This total lack of awareness made me finally realize that things were just never going to change. And therapy, to boost your self esteem a little higher, because it sounds like you're ready to give yourself the gift of loving who you are, instead of feeling bad about who you might have been. You deserve better dammit. Give yourself the reassurance and permission and affection that you're missing. I made the right decision but I feel awful. Let's stop discussing this and do what we need to do to move on. Not only am I upset about this relationship ending, but he wasn't exactly nice about it. Of course you didn't. It's just not healthy for you.
In terms of reassurance I can maybe speak from some personal experience with how drunks are and how a person who is serious about changing acts. So now I can look back and appreciate what I have learned not only about me, but about the difficulty with having a healthy relationship with someone who can't or isn't able to have a healthy relationship with themselves. I did almost send a letter to his family to make sure someone was looking out for him, but I was pretty sure that they knew already. In the matter of self preservation, you had no choice really. In addition to the usual pain of a break-up, you may also be carrying pain from the self-esteem break-down this kind of relationship very often causes. Each time, there was the promise of a different sponsor, a more formidable sober living house, a new job and the teary proclamation that if he didn't stop he would surely die. This is not hyperbole, every one of those things have happened many, many times. He was feeling very hurt and so he wanted to make sure I hurt too. He's threatened to leave so many times because he "is who he is" and likes to drink. I felt that the animals would be far more grateful for another chance at life than he apparently was at least at this moment. I was the last person I ever expected to be in a situation like what I just described, the last person whose life would sometimes feel like a bad LifetimeTV movie. Doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results, yet each time I believed a new recovery strategy would be the one that worked. That's abuse - accidental now, but without him evincing remorse, it would have escalated the more years you stayed in situation. Not only am I upset about this relationship ending, but he wasn't exactly nice about it. You're a good adult. For myself, in those early weeks, I adopted an internal ultimatum, that he would have to say XYZ was his personal fault and responsibility. In addition, he blames you for the break-up "never gave him a chance to turn things around" and was nasty when it didn't go his way. I tried to offer what I could in terms of support -- counseling, AA, not drinking myself, learning about the disease, and not bringing anything tempting home, only to find out that, in the end, I didn't do enough in his eyes. I couldn't live like that and I couldn't change him. He has trod upon them. I want us both to be happy. Stop thinking in terms of what must have caused him to hurt you back. I had kept the light in my imaginary window going for years, believing again and again that this new recovery after yet another relapse would be the one that would stick to the wall. Your head says one thing and your heart says another. The problem is that the breakup is taking too long.
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